Monday, April 13, 2009

I cried

There has always been there unwritten list of man-rules and one them suggest that real men don't cry. I've never subscribed to this idea of manhood because I think crying is at times a very useful expression of emotions. I have no shame to admit that when I watching a heart-wrenching movie or in the middle of a powerful church service, that I let the tears flow. These are the moments where I am most comfortable crying, however there are other times that completely catch you off guard. Literally 15 minutes ago I walked my good friend down the hill to a series of new life adventures. The whole time I was think how surreal the whole experience was, and then came the hug and the parting words. The strange thing is this is not THE GOODBYE, this is just the first in a series of separations until our geography and commitments farther and perhaps further than we have been.

We hugged and I verbally acknowledged the change that had just occurred. As the taxi pulled away tears flooded my eyes and ran down my cheek. I'm still not sure as to why as I am writing that I still have tears on my face. My immediate question was are these tears of joy or of sadness? I'm not quite sure why those are the two categories that originally came to mind. I quickly label them as tears of separation. Both of joy for my friend's glistening future and of sadness that he will not be as readily accessible or close. Perhaps that is why Korea has been so much like home for me. The reason why I have not experience much homesickness. Maybe my tears got ahead of my thoughts to tell me how I'm really feeling. Even as I writing, my thoughts are still grappling for a reasonable explanation as to why these drops of the salty liquid are resting on my face.

The last time I cried extemporaneously, it was again something and someone that I didn't expect to cry over. It was something a former pastor said about me, that for some reason shook me to my core.

Perhaps, what surprises me is that there are very appropriate times to cry (i.e. funerals), and yet sometimes there are no tears to be cried, or they are so light that they don't even take you by surprise. Then there are times where you unexpectedly lose it and cannot even put in to words why. Anyways, I'm done trying to internalize. I'm just glad for the tears and for my friend.

Godspeed My Friend. Godspeed My Friend.


Anonymous said...

WOW....i commend you for being mature enough to express your it controlled or not ;-) and sometimes there are just no words....only feelings. it feels good to let it out though right? Do you feel like he took a piece of you? is there any anger/resentment?

Jered "jrock" Lyons said...

Thanks for sharing fam. Truly, there is a time for everything. Jesus wept so why can't you...Keep posting