Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Not sure yet I am not really sure what to write about, or why I am up at 12:24 in the morning. I have been in the zone for days, focused on getting things done. Tonight I planned to complete something that has been on my mind for a while, but due to technical difficulties I'll have to put until tomorrow. Ever since I got here I have felt a sense of urgency, I suppose it is because I know that there is a lot of I have to balance and a lot I want to take advantage of while I'm here. I here the words of a DC comedian telling me 'Ride that sucker till the wheels fall off', I hear the book of James saying 'Walk not as fools, but as wise; redeeming the time, for the days are evil", I hear Jason Morrow's words "Don't let DC corrupt you." So I have been focused on getting stuff done and I really desire to come closer to God. I pray that HE will meet me, because it's hard for me to give myself fully to him. If I do, what is left of me? Right now I'm watchful of myself because I think I would very easily find a pretty girl to befriend so that I can fill a void of intimacy in my life. I'm not even talking about sex, though that the direction that intimacy tends to grow. I feel like I just want some one here. I told a good friend earlier that it seems like when you feel like you need someone, you don't; but when you feel like your complete that is when you are ready for a relationship. Relationship have always been a big deal for me because I have never did the whole dating thing. Having not dated though high school and college might put me in an abnormal field. For me the 'not dating' isn't an issue, the issue that I have to deal with is the apprehension and nervousness I have feel towards any woman that I think I could potentially be with. Friendship tend to be a whole lot easier for me with women. Women that I have a strong attraction to make me nervous. I try to see myself as qualified to approach these women, but whenever I try and it is not successful I go back to the bay. I had people try to coach me but I just don't understand how to be in the presence of an amzingly beautiful women and not turn into a frozen statue. I don't know how to play the game, so I write poetry and sing love songs to myself and try ever 2 years to make another attempt. I don't know why the 1 woman risk getting to know is never interested in me. I also fear that if I was in a relationship I would go to one extreme, either by being so romantic that it was somethering or by being so detached because I am so used to being alone. I don't know, but what I do know is that this whole shy guy thing is getting pretty old. Now it seems I am on my own island wanting to sail closer to God, but unsure of how to get back into the boat again. I feel something, possibly it's the weight of burden of praying for a friends or my own emotion.

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