Thursday, September 20, 2007

The dawning of purpose

Laying in bed at like 4 in the morning and my stomach wants to eat, my spirit wants to pray, my mind wants to write a blog, but my body is content to continue lying in bed.I went to sleep shortly after coming home last night. I've been runnin and gunnin for 3 weeks straight and it's finally catching up with me. While I was resting I thought about everything that has been going on and how I have been out of balance in some respects. Namely, I have not been spending time with Jesus. I've been thinking about Him and talking about Him, but I spend way more time checking my email accounts & online social networks. There is obviously nothing wrong with checking e-mail throughout the day, especially for my purposes of working on projects and staying up with my courses, but when I text people more than I communicate with God, that is a problem. I wrote this because I often find myself seeking self-worth and value in what I do and in relationships. While I'm on my internship I have the opportunity to meet and even interview a lot of notable people.I would name drop but really what does it all matter? Does it make me cooler, does it make me feel like I'm kinda a big deal? No. My self worth is beyond who I meet or even beyond what I do. But outside of celebrities and popular organizations, I often look for self worth in relationships. I have thought about dating since I really never started (Unless you include this one time when I was 13, lol). I've been content to wait, but often I find myself in a quandary. To quote on of my songs I state, "I'm saving my kiss and my kisses for the Misses/ working on cooking some new dishes/ And writing some rhymes that's vicious/Up in the beauty school there's so many fishes/ So many dimes, but yet so few diamonds/ I need something worth climbing a mountain/ To find a fountain where virtue flows/ something that would keep my heart pounding like a Bose....All that to say I have a very idealized view of romance. It's seems the way I've been engineered(or socialized) is that I not very proactive towards women and the only time I put forth an effort is every couple of years when I feel inspired. Besides, those moments I just try to be as friendly as possible and build relationships, and if a friendship outgrows itself than a romantic relationship would be the next reasonable alternative. You see I have it all worked out in my head, the problem is that I have never been there in real life. I play it supa-safe. Rockstar says I'm good, Scolarlee says I need to step my game up! While I don't regret the past I definitely have some room for growth in my future. However it works out in the near future when I find someone that is feeling me the way that I am feeling them, I must keep all things in perspective. My worth is not found in who I interview, shake hands with, or even the ability to make someone think I'm the Ish;def'n:[ISH]adj-dope, amazing, a treasure. My worth, identity and purpose is found in Him-and my time will joyfully reflect that in the weeks to come.

Jeremiah 9:24 Thus says the Lord: Let not the wise and skillful person glory and boast in his wisdom and skill; let not the mighty and powerful person glory and boast in his strength and power; let not the person who is rich [in physical gratification and earthly wealth] glory and boast in his [temporal satisfactions and earthly] riches;

24But let him who glories glory in this: that he understands and knows Me [personally and practically, directly discerning and recognizing My character], that I am the Lord, Who practices loving-kindness, judgment, and righteousness in the earth, for in these things I delight, says the Lord.

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